Saturday, January 24, 2009

Sandbanks (For Caleb, Haille, Alex and Erin)

Eight feet press tracks into wet sand,
attempt to race
waves that lick salt water tongues
at tiny toes
and the boy’s shoes are already soaked.

Sneakers kicked errantly into
piles of sun-dried seaweed,
the girls are skipping up the beach.

Her blonde hair flies out in disarray,
strands stuck to her mist dampened face.
An overcast day, cold for late June.
Our beautiful Newfoundland summer.

But she doesn’t feel the weather;
only sand
water
the scent of ocean.

The smallest stumbles
over sea worn driftwood.
Runs to catch up
kicking sand backwards in golden arcs.

The oldest stops,
crouches to examine tidal tokens
half buried.
The purple blue of muscle shells,
the spine covered fragility of sea urchins.

Barefooted they wade into waves,
catch breath in their throats
as the cold of sea
prickles warm skin,
drifts over sand to erase footprints.

The boy has kicked off his wet sneakers,
now walks in damp socks that collect sand
as he collects rocks and shells.

They fill jacket pockets,
make pouches of their shirts
to fill with mementos of this experience
to place amongst their child’s treasures at home.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Essence of Memorization

Cinna-berry… She says.
You have a Cinna-berry car freshener.
He always had one of those, Marco.
He told me that whenever I smelled that smell
I’d think of him.

What a cunt. I say.
Thinking of the scents
Intertwined with memory.

How blueberry lip-gloss makes me think
of a blonde haired boy at age fourteen.
The aroma of buttered pop-corn in a dark movie theatre
and his breath, hot
and smelling of red liquorice.

At sixteen, the boy who smelled of sweat, aftershave,
and cheap cologne,
strong enough to stop your breath.
How I cannot smell the scent of Aqua-Velva
without feeling young and naiive.

Twenty and the odour of night-clubs, hot and stagnant,
two hundred moving bodies, writhing.
The stale odour of spilled alcohol,
pot being smoked secretly in corners and bathrooms,
the blue cloud of cigarette smoke
hanging in the damp, dark, air.
Notes of vanilla, orchids and sandalwood
emanating from girls on the dance-floor.
Whiskey and lust perspired through the pores
of the drunk old men who watch from the bar.
Beer on the breath of the guys who shout
Wanna dance?

At twenty-five the scent of the one I loved,
like a fingerprint, hidden underneath the scent
of his shampoo, aftershave and soap.
I breathed it in, could not fill my lungs enough.
How when he left
I slept curled in a pile of his shirts pulled from the laundry.
How as time wore on that same lingering scent
became torturous, invading my place of recovery.
The scent of strawberry Glade to mask it
can now take me to dark places.

And now,
how I can’t help but be tricked
by men who smell of cigarettes.
Feel a stirring as I watch them inhale
carcinogenic-sex through pursed lips,
exhale clouds of smoke that
cling to their clothes and hair.
I assume they’ll be kind and caring.
They carry the scent of the only man
who’s never hurt me.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Seeds

When I get up you aren’t on the couch watching cartoons.
The front door is ajar and you are outside
digging with a kitchen spoon,
still clad in cartoon pyjamas,
an apple core in your little hand.

Your kindergarten class is learning about seeds.
Bean sprouts grow tall out of a Styrofoam cup with
“Caleb” printed in blue crayon across the side.
You pick up all the pinecones you see and tell me that
trees will grow from them.

You tell me you are planting the seeds from your apple.
I tell you that apple seeds might not grow in the shade of the house,
from earth more rock and clay.
You tell me you don’t mind,
there are always apples in the fridge.
What you want is the tree.
You explain plans for a luxurious tree house.

Later that day we sit at a table for two.
You drink root-beer from a child-sized paper cup
and we eat hamburgers and fries covered in ketchup.
You pick the sesame seeds off the bun,
examine them,
and with a flash of excitement in your eyes,
clench your fist around them.
Staring intently into my face
you ask:

If I plant these seeds will a hamburger tree grow?

I am careful not to laugh.
You hate not being taken seriously,
and your face is too earnest in its wonder.
I take a sip of my cola,
pondering your question.
I don’t want to lie to you,
but looking into your eyes
I have entered your world,
and maybe hamburgers can grow on trees.

I tell you that I don’t really know,
that maybe we should plant the seeds.
You wonder whether the tree will produce
Cheese burgers or regular hamburgers.
You’re pretty sure that you’ll have to add your own ketchup.

At home you drop the seeds in a hole you scratch
in the dirt next to where you planted
your apple seeds this morning,
your pinecones yesterday,
your peach pit last week.

I hope that hamburger seeds are resilient,
that they will sprout through this tough and rocky soil,
that they are able to germinate
in this harsh Newfoundland climate.

Bonfire Night

When my mother calls out that it is supper time we run to the table and shovel food into our faces as fast as we can.

“Slow down and chew your food or you won’t be going anywhere. There’s no need to act like savages.”

“Mom! We want to get down there, the fire is startin’ soon!” I plead back at her.

“The fire is still going to be there after you’ve got your supper eat.” She says as she cuts my little sister’s food into bite-sized pieces.

My father, who attempts to turn everything into a history lesson, launches into a story about Guy Fawkes and my brother and I mumble answers about British parliament and conspirators through mouths full of tomato sauce covered meat-loaf and mashed potatoes.

We take extra care to chew thoroughly each mouthful of supper so that mom doesn’t try to keep us indoors any longer than needed, exaggerating the chewing motions any time she happens to glance in our directions.

As soon as my plate is cleared I blurt “Good supper mom!” and dash away from the table and down over the stairs. I wander around our basement looking for my winter jacket.

“MOM! Where’s my old coat?” I yell.

“It’s in the box of clothes in the laundry room. Bring up your brother’s things too, and make sure you put on rubber boots and splash pants, it’s not fit up on that field.”

I tear all the folded clothes out of box in a flurry of 11 year old excitement, scattering sweaters, coats and last years winter wear all over the floor. I grab coats for myself and my brother and scramble up to the porch where Danny is standing on the steps, rummaging around the closet shelf in search of mitts and hats.

I pull on my jacket, it’s a hand-me-down from my cousin and because it’s a boy’s jacket, mom has designated it as my “outdoor coat”, the one that I can destroy with mud and filth and that must never be worn to school. Danny tosses me a pair of mini gloves and dads blaze orange hunting beanie as he pulls his black and green Ninja Turtles toque down over his little boy-monkey ears.

While mom is helping my brother put on his splash pants, I go to my room and stuff my jacket pockets full of yellow and orange suckers, rockets candy and Oh Henry bars. Gloriously I find one left over peanut butter cup that has somehow managed to last the 5 days since Halloween. I zip the overstuffed pockets shut so the candy doesn’t fall out and go down to the porch where mom tucks our mittens into the sleeves of our jackets and sends us out the door.

Outside it is starting to get dark. The air is cold and smells like mud, rotting leaves and the wood smoke pouring out of nearby chimneys. Before we go down to the bonfire we must keep with our yearly ritual; I pick up the pumpkin on our doorstep and carry it awkwardly out to the road where my brother counts backward as I lift it high above my head and throw it to the ground. It’s orange flesh would be soft if not for the cold evening air already starting to freeze its insides, and it splits into three uneven pieces leaving a cracked grin smiling up at us.

“That was cool!” Danny shrieks as he hops up and down in excitement.

Across the road our cousin D.A. comes out of his house and we all exchange excited greetings before taking off down the road, rubber boots pounding against the hard-packed mud of our unpaved road.

We can see the orange glow of the fire lighting up the sky behind our Uncle Fred’s house and the trail of flankers flying hundreds of feet into the air. The buzz of a chainsaw grows louder as we near the enormous hill of combustible material set ablaze in the center of the field. My uncles are busy cutting felled trees in to manageable sized logs to throw onto the pile. There are hundreds of wooden pallets salvaged from businesses, green boughs, scrap wood from building projects and even an old couch, but the most wondrous to us are the hundreds of rubber tires stacked nearby. We run over and begin climbing about on them, scrambling up the steel belted sides to get the highest perch on the stacks eight tires high. I watch my aunts lugging huge metal pots and grocery bags from their houses up to my uncle’s shed, which is equipped with a wood stove where they will prepare hot chocolate and hot dogs to disperse to the crowd that gathers to watch the monolithic fire.

The boys from Centennial Place have seen the flankers and been alerted to the start of the bonfire by the thick clouds of smoke drifting over their neighbourhood. They start showing up in droves and run over to the tires and begin climbing up with us to nestle into their makeshift seats. Under regular circumstances there is a mild rivalry that runs like an undercurrent through our acts and conversation with each other, but on bonfire night that’s all changed. We sit as equals, enthralled by the camaraderie of watching things burn.

Travis, a kid that regularly shows up in our neighbourhood looking for a game of basketball or road hockey, remarks on the size of the bonfire.

“This is da biggest bonfire in Corner Brook, ‘s even bigger than the one they has up next to da shoppin’ mall.”

Other kids concur, but a few argue. A kid in a L.A. Kings hockey jersey with the number 99 emblazoned across the back retorts.

“No i’s not Trav, da fire down in da bean is bigger than dis.”

“Yeah? How come your not down dere den, hey?” Travis asks as he gives the kid a small shove. We laugh in agreement and the kid mumbles something about not being allowed to go down there.

Uncle Karl comes over and picks up a tire in each hand and heaves them toward the fire where they bounce and roll, weaving across each other’s path into the flames. One is thrown with a little too much force and exits the other side of the fire, flames trailing behind it. We cheer as someone runs after the tire and ushers it back toward the pile, rolling it with a stick. We marvel at how close they get to the flames when we are more than 30 feet away but can still feel the heat prickling our faces and some of us have abandoned our winter jackets.

“Get down offa dem tires ye hooligans, next t’ing der all gonna fall on ye.”

We grumble and shuffle down to the ground. I hear a small voice wailing.

“Sissy! Sissy I fell in! Halp!”

I bounce up over a stack of tractor tires stacked like stairs to look into the high stack where my brother’s face is peering up at me, stuck in the hole in the center.

“Danny, your some stunned, jus’ use the inside like a ladder and climb up b’y!”

“I can’t!” He wails. “I don’t have enough room to move!”

Colin and Dougie, two kids I go to school with, help me lift the tires and replace them on the stack next to us and I pull my brother up.

“Get down out of it Danny, your too little to be up here.” I say using all the power of an older child to banish him to the lower stacks of tires. We have already forgotten Uncle Karl’s previous warning and are climbing back up the stacks.

The crowd is growing larger. There are adults and children gathered all around talking and laughing, fathers with little babies sat upon their shoulders to keep them out of the mud and mothers clustered together in little packs clapping their gloved hands together and bobbing up and down on the balls of their feet in order to stay warm as they discuss their children and home life.

It has started to snow a little, but it melts and falls as drizzle all around the fire. Someone yells out that the hot chocolate is ready and we all take off to the shed where my aunts hand us cups full of hot chocolate and hotdogs wrapped in paper napkins. I raise the cup to my lips and burn the tip of my tongue on the sweet scalding liquid, hissing air in between clenched teeth to cool my mouth.

“Don’t drink it yet Danny, its really hot.” I say and he nods at me, placing his cup next to his feet as he picks up a bottle of ketchup and squeezes it onto his hotdog and mitten.

We hang around by the shed eating hot dogs and waiting to see if we can get seconds on the hot chocolate. The snow is still falling lightly and the ground is cold enough that it is actually sticking. Older kids, scary teenagers, have taken our place on the tires so we wander off to rummage around underneath my cousin Tonya’s patio until we find two beat up plastic sleds and set them at the top of the short slope in her backyard taking our first slide of the year in the orange glow of the fire reflected off the cloudy night sky and snowy ground. When we tumble off the slide to keep from crashing into the side of the house I feel the cold wetness of the ground under the snow seeping into the knees of my splash pants. We ride over the thin covering of snow until it doesn’t exist any more, taking turns to see who can make it to the bottom of the hill while standing on the slide. My brother wins, not falling once, while the rest of us end up covered in mud and grass stains.

Parents start showing up and plucking their children from the crowd and dragging them home. My father, carrying my sister who is bundled up like a baby marshmallow in his arms, tells us its time to go home and we protest, asking to stay for just a little while longer, but he attempts to reason that tomorrow is a school day and shoos us up to the house where mom has run baths for us to scrub away the smell of smoke that clings to our hair and the soot, grime and grey clay-like mud that stains our skin and clothes.

After we’ve been clad in fleece pyjamas and tucked into bed, my brother and I lean out of our bunk beds to stare out our window and down the road where the fire is still rolling. Tomorrow when we go outside after school the massive hill of ashes will still be smoldering.

The Life of Gertie Gould (A poem in 7 parts)

I

T’rowed out
like a pair a’ trousers
gone bar tight across da arse.
Mudder can’t feed us sure,
starving offa cod fish
and anyt’ing else me fadder
can pull out a’ the sea.

“The Lord will provide”
they says, but he haven’t yet.

Sends me up da coast,
up wit’ me grand parents.
We lives in the light house,
Point Riche,
and I don’t understand a Jeezly t’ing
they says,
‘cause they only speaks French.

II

Sixteen years old
when they packs me up and
sends me off again.

“Not a youngster no more”
and should be holdin’ me own
they says.

Sends me to the new
mill town, hours away.
Right full of company housing
and people w’it money.
I gets on right away w’it a family,
Ol’ man works the mill
and everything else in between,
he’s wife is sick as a dog
and can’t take care of her youngsters
so I does that too.
Neider bit o’ time to meself
Cause suddenly I’m woman of the house.

Not really,
But it gets so her youngest
starts callin’ me “mudder”.
I’m doin’ all the stuff a good wife should
and the ol’ man starts lookin’ some good…

III

God forgive me

I’m packin’ up to go back to Port Aux Choix
when her baby is born.
All figures the two of em’
won’t make it to spring,
puts the little t’ing in a basket
on the stove door just to keep it warm,
Then the poor mudder passes away.

The ol’ man don’t know what to do,
4 small youngsters and a sick baby.
Almost had her give away
to another family when
he finds out why I’m leavin’.
Says he’ll make an honest woman of me
if I takes care of he’s youngsters.
And I’m all smiles
cause t’is nothin’ I haven’t been doin’ anyway
For the past t’ree years,
but feels some bad when poor T’resa
isn’t cold in the ground
and I got a ring on me finger.
Hopes God’ll forgive me
If I takes good care of her babies.

Now there’s six,
I’m not even ten years older than the biggest one.
But thanks be to Jesus
T’rese’s last was born premature,
There’s barely 9 months between our two as it is,

And people ‘round here loves to talk.

IV

Gets to be so that I spends
the next 20 years
with a youngster growin’ inside me.
Has 15 to add to his 5,
16 if you counts the baby that died,
and loves them all the same.

Some lucky,
me youngsters is all born strong
when I knows better women than I
has baby after baby
that never draws a breath.
One hard labour,
a baby girl,

stuck.
Sweet Jesus the pain.
Born with a crippled arm because of it
and they tells me “don’t have no more”.

Try tellin’ a man that.

I has three more,
but one got something wrong,
throws fits, will stay a child,
even in old age.
I wonders if that’s my penance
and if it is, I’ll gladly take it.

By the time I has me last
the oldest are grown and gone
and gettin’ married,
T’anks be to God.

Gets to be so that I’ve spent 20 years
cookin’ and cleanin’,
hands in a pan of bread,
tellin’ this one to watch the youngsters,
that one to start supper,
and I never knows where the b’ys are,
just knows the babies is outside
tied on in the yard so’s they’re out from underfoot.
Grabs a young one as they runs past,
can’t get a name straight in me head.
Gives him he’s fadder’s lunch basket
and tells him to run fast as he can
down to the mill
so it don’t get cold.

V

You drags them to church every Sunday
‘til they’re old enough that
they takes off first t’ing Sunday mornin’
and it don’t do a jeezly t’ing.

The by’s is always in trouble,
starts comin’ home with girls
wit’ babies in their bellies.
I wants to give ‘em a knock in the head,
Makes their fadder tell them
they’d better do right by them young girls.

One of me own
heavin’ her guts out in the mornin’.
sees her belly swellin’ out
and she, scared to death to say.
But I hears her sisters whisperin’.

Jesus loves me,
I’m no one to judge.

She pours it outta her one day
while I got me hands into supper.
Still got me own little ones yet
and gonna be a grand mudder.
“Yes my dear, I knows.”
I says, and warns her;
Now she got herself into it.

But shes the last of my girls
that I’d ever worry about;

hard as nails,

tough as a boot.



VI

Down to Maggie’s;
room t’ick wit’ smoke and
half of ‘em’s drunk.
Dealin’ out cards to all hands
who can manage to hold ‘em.
My youngsters scattered
halfway down the coast
just so’s they got a place to sleep.
No baby-sitters in them days,
just big ones takin’ care of little ones.

Someones b’y breaks in the door,
bawlin’:

Uncle Mike’s house is on fire

and everyone is runnin’.
T’ick as the smoke is inside
t’is t’icker out here,
blackin’ out the moon
and flankers swirlin’
instead of stars.

Only half Mike’s kids is standin’ outside
and neider one got the baby,
one triplet lookin’ lost.
All hands passin’ buckets or
runnin’ for a length o’ hose.
The roof caves in and a huff
of air scorches faces,

curls eyelashes,
singes off the eyebrows of some.

I finally spots my youngest,
12 years old,
standin’ wit’ Yvonne’s b’y,
face lit up in orange by the flames.
T’anks be to Jesus
none of mine was into Mikes tonight.


VII
I spose it says something for me
that half me youngsters never left home.
Built their houses
to surround me
and moved their own families in.

Me house is always full o’ youngsters,
and I learns all over again
to block out the noise
and find me own solitude.
Knittin’ little mitts and sweaters
For grand babies,
some cute.

Cycles goin’ again,
great grand kids born before
the last of the grand kids comes along.
No break between generations,
all ages mish mashed
from 80 to infant.
Things don’t change,
but now me own is getting’ a taste.
What you wants from them
and what you gets;
Two different things.

Loves them all the same
because that’s what you does.

Dishes

She stands in the kitchen, hand on the cupboard door handle, staring in at dishes, but seeing nothing more than the scene replaying in her head for the thousandth time.

His face, his lips moving.

It’s not enough.

The sound of her world crashing: the steady ticking of the clock.

She is startled back to the here and now by the cat, jumping onto the counter top in front of her, meowing loudly. She had been looking into the cupboard for its dish.

“Fuck off puss cat.” She mutters as she picks up the slinky animal and drops it to the floor beside her where it persists, twirling itself around her ankles in fluid motion. She shuffles to a nearby drawer in search of a can opener before remembering that she never did find the dish in the first place, trips over the cat, booting it off to the side as she shuffles back.

All these dishes, what the fuck does she do with all these dishes? Single people don’t have this many dishes, she knows it, she had been single before. Single people particularly did not have matching sets of dishes. In those days she would eat from mismatched dinnerware, plastic bowls from the dollar store, a favourite mug pilfered from her mother, a plate from someone else’s kitchen, acquired when they sent her home with leftovers or a tray of cookies. Sometimes she would fore-go dinnerware all together to stand in the kitchen eating Kraft Dinner out of the pot she had cooked it in, right off the large plastic mixing spoon she had used to stir in the powdered cheese.

Now she looks in at the two full sets of dishes. Eight place settings in total. Enough dishes to invite friends over to share in dinner parties, or potlucks, or to sit at the table and have a wholesome family meal.

Family activities.

Families never stood alone in a messy kitchen eating straight out of a blackened pot.

They had picked out the dishes together, choosing the heavy, square-shaped black and burgundy plates and bowls because they were different, unique; and that appealed to both of them.

Corelle dishes, marked as “unbreakable”, yet when she had taken them out of the box at home, one had shattered, tiny pieces littering the inside of the box, ceramic dust clinging to the insides of bowls. She had gone out later that evening and bought a new plate to replace it, feeling the need to keep the set full and intact.

She wonders how many times they had shared meals together on these plates, how many times she had attempted to cook something his finicky tastes would enjoy, how many times they had pulled slices of pizza from grease stained cardboard boxes to place upon them, how many times he had eaten from them knowing he would soon leave her.

The cat chirps in anticipation and unable to find its aluminum pet dish, she takes down one of the square plates, dumps the can of food on it, and drops it to the floor in front of puss cat, who eats hungrily.

Sunburn

In the cool of the river we did not notice the heat of the sun.
Not even when we climbed soaking from the water
Did we feel the scorching of our skins
and because we hadn’t planned on being outside that day,
neither of us had bothered to wear sun-block .

That night we were exhausted;
eyes heavy and head groggy from exposure to the sun.
Our skins burnt a deep red,
but neither noticing as we fell into bed.

The next morning we both awoke early because everything was painful,
soft cotton sheets like knives slicing the skin off our blistered shoulders.
Shifting uncomfortably in our clothes,
our t-shirts devices of torture,
We threw them off to spray aloe vera on each other
and whimpered at the slightest touch.

In a few days we began to peel,
our skins sloughing off in great flakes.
When we could not reach our backs
we employed one another to strip away our outer cover.

It became a game to see who could pull
the biggest in-tact piece of flesh from the other’s body,
exposing fresh pink bodies underneath,
as we gathered the dead skin in our hands.

A friend of mine once remarked that
“disgusting love”
Is the kind of love that is real.

Everyday love is messy:
A morning breath kiss when you awake,
A passing of gas while curled on the couch watching television,
The scratch of unshaved legs during a moment of passion.

It is when there is no second thought about these moments
That our love becomes secure.

When we are old and dying
our bodies breaking down and leaving us
feeble and unable to care for ourselves,
I know that one will care for the other.

I would walk to the end of the earth for you,
just as I walk to the shower now
to wet a towel with cool water
to place upon your burning shoulders.

They say ninety percent of household dust consists of skin cells.

Every day I breathe you in
and in the summer I hold you,
pieces of you in my hands.